The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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