when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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