Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
