I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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