as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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