i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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