So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
