i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Houston, we have a squirter
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
