I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
