Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
