I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
