I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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