You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
