it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
