Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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