My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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