glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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