dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
