I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
