Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
