So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
