Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
