it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It was confusing and full of hummus
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Randomize
