Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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