dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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