He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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