You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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