Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
