i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
