btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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