I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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