Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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