I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Who died my cat blue again?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
