that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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