You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
