it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
