we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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