Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
