Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize