i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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