I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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