i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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