I'm jealous of your bromance
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
