you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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