The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
