I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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