I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
