I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
