highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
