he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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